Her Active Philosopher: I Do? Why I won’t be making it Legal at Her Active Life

Click here for the Lead Stories

Her Active Philosopher: I Do? Why I won’t be making it Legal

Posted July 1, 2007 at 04:00 PM by Katie Drummond

Section: Her Health, Special Features

HerActiveLife.com In her regular Sunday column, Senior writer Katie Drummond waxes philosophical, engages us with her nutritional savvy, and invites us on her personal health and fitness journey. In her first column, our resident philosopher lyrically wrote about her battle with an eating disorder, the turning point in her life, and how running gave her the strength and determination to regain her health. This Sunday, Katie contemplates healthy relationships, marriage, and why she’ll be saying “I Don’t”.

couple-walking-sunset I was 19 when I first moved in with my partner – and it was more a matter of convenience than any romantic notion of eternal, cohabitational bliss. I was spending the summer after my first year of university as an unpaid editorial intern in Toronto, and my boyfriend had agreed to move with me to the big city and try his luck making ends meet. As it turns out, we grossly underestimated the cost of living…and grossly overestimated his employability. When he wound up toiling at near-minimum wage for a small landscaping company, we knew that it would be a summer on a serious shoestring – thus, our decision to cut our losses and cohabitate, in an apartment so small that I could stretch my arms and be in the kitchen, office, bedroom, and living room at the same time.

Maybe it was this, my first foray into the territory of an adult relationship being less a matter of love and more a matter of money, or maybe it was the sadness I’d seen in so many other couples (parents included) when their own wedded bliss met an early demise, that make me so emphatic about my own staunch refusal to tie the knot. Ever. No matter what it was that first provoked me, my initial decision has only been further bolstered by the myriad of other reasons I’ve come across that make me more than happy to permanently avoid the altar.

I admit that I often let my practical side overwhelm more whimsical fancies, but is it crazy to suggest that spending thousands – even hundreds, for the budget-conscious – on a wedding (and the inevitable stag parties, dinner dates, and spa trips that go with it) might not be the most prudent financial choice for a young couple still hard pressed to eke out a living? Sure, I may rake in gifts, but do I really need a set of hand-painted china in my IKEA-decked apartment? Will that second set of multi-colored margarita glasses really be put to good use? Probably not.

Studies have found that the average wedding, all-in, often runs upwards of $25,000. With a figure like that, I can’t help but envision my future children, suitcases in hand, headed to university, their tuition paid by the dollars and cents I didn’t spend on a sumptuous designer gown, catered buffet for 200 guests, and staged black-and-white shots of my partner and I basking under a leafy tree.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not entirely devoid of human sentiment, and I admit that weddings can be delightfully romantic affairs. What I fail to see is how one day of elaborate, romantic finery, or the subsequent album of posed photographs and the gem resting on my finger, will really make or break the romantic nature of my relationship. Romance and passion is not a day, a photo, or a ring – to me, a romantic relationship is one with two partners who revel in the everyday; a surprise picnic lunch, a neck massage, a wink over a shared inside joke.

Do I need a wedding, or memories of a wedding, to feel romantic? Absolutely not. In fact, I might worry that marriage would eliminate so much of the spontaneity that I enjoy with my partner. Feeling forced to commemorate the same day, every year, regardless of circumstance, seems a little contrived to me. I’ll take the surprise homemade dinner by candlelight “just because” over the night of fine dining “just because it’s May 10th” any day. Combine that with my practical, penny-pinching mantra, and you’ve got a double dose of anti-marital might.

Of course, I can’t quite get away with suggesting that the institution of marriage be dissolved altogether – though some of the mismatched or married-and-miserable pairings I’ve witnessed has made me wish for such things. Family obligations, religious notions of eternal union, and even particular legal circumstances, can all be powerful motivators when it comes to saying I do. Lucky for me, with my go-with-the-flow-yoga-doing father and family’s “we celebrate the Christmas of consumerism and candy canes” approach to religion, the barriers to a marriage-free life are blissfully non-existent.

For those who find themselves in a position where marriage is the option among no other rather than an option among many, I can only ask two things: One - don’t blow your last pennies on that hand-stitched, silk Parisian veil lined with pressed flower petals. Trust me – you will not find occasion to wear it again. Two - remember that the romance isn’t in the day, but in the person you love and the memories you make together every day.